The Beginning of the End

In early September 2018, it was just about time for my oldest daughter to head off to college for the first time.  As it was going to involve a long drive across some very desolate stretches of desert, I didn't want her to go alone, and it would also be an chance for her younger sisters to see the campus and perhaps (I hoped) become a little more motivated in their schoolwork so that they would also have the opportunity of attending college away from home.

The two nights before we were to leave, I didn't sleep more than an hour or two each.  I had no idea why.  I couldn't tell my husband or children that I hadn't slept.  (You see, I had fallen asleep at the wheel 30 years previous to that along the same desolate, boring stretch of interstate that we would be traveling.  Fortunately, no one was hurt, I only rolled the car, and we were able to continue driving.  Well, I didn't, but my passenger did.)  Unfortunately, I still had to make a nearly 10 hour drive that day.  Perhaps it would be ok....

Forty-five minutes into the drive, I started getting tired.  I had my youngest daughter phone the other two girls who were in the other car and told them I needed to stop at the store for a little bit.  In all my years of late-night studying in college, I'd never taken any substance to keep me awake.  For the first time in my life, I did it.  I bought a bottle of caffeine pills and I took one.  

It kicked in pretty quickly.  I was alert and chipper and Lydia promptly fell asleep.  And I started thinking about what I should think about on this long drive--you know, what problems of the world I could solve in the next nine hours, stuff like that.  And immediately, the crystal-clear impression came:  "You need to start a blog on preparedness."  

"Oh, no.  No, no, no.  No."  My husband had wanted me to write on this topic for years, as a means of generating some income as I had done with another book about 20 years earlier.  I had no interest in putting my name out there and attracting any unwanted attention.  (And when it comes to myself, all attention is unwanted.)

Peace for about three minutes.  

"You need to write a blog."  (NO.  Go away.  I'm too busy.)

Peace for about two minutes.

"You need to write a blog."  

"No.  I do not want to do this.  But as it is a long drive, it will be an interesting exercise to think about it, how it should be arranged, and what topics to cover.  I'm only thinking about it.  I'm not going to do it."

Lydia slept just about the whole way and the drive flew by pretty quickly for me.  In our hotel room that evening, for some reason I jotted down and organized as much as I could remember.  The next morning, we got Becky moved into her apartment, met some of her roommates, and had a lovely tour of campus.  And then it was time for the younger girls and I to head back to Reno.  They promptly fell asleep, and I had another ten hours to think about blog topics that I wasn't going to write about.

Because I was not going to do this.

We returned home safely and again I was barely sleeping at all.  So after fighting it a couple of nights, I finally started getting up and writing.  And I was pretty unhappy about it.  Every day I would ask in my prayers, "Do I really have to do this?"  I got two weeks' worth of daily articles together, because I'm a person who likes to be prepared, and I wanted articles ready to go just in case I got sick, or something crazy came up at home, or whatever.  I knew I needed to have something every day, well, at least six days per week.  

I didn't start feeling some peace and being able to sleep a little better until I had 40 articles in the queue. But I still wasn't very happy about it.  Research and writing the articles was taking a long time, time away from my family, my garden, and exercise.  And so one morning, I chose to complain about that in my prayers.  "It's taking a lot of time, and it's hard, and besides, I'm not even getting paid for this!"  

"Oh, YES, you ARE!"

"Oh. Ok.  I'll shut up now."

When God speaks, it's best to listen.  I stopped complaining and my heart softened.  I started learning more than I could ever have imagined, stuff that we all need to know but that none of the other preparedness bloggers ever write about.  My family has been incredibly blessed.  When my husband was out of work for nearly a year (which began very shortly after I started this blog) we had savings and a very generous severance package to sustain us.  He found another position with a very solid company and we were able to move to a more beautiful area, far away from cities and ultra-conservative in values.  I think it is safe to say I've been paid.

Through all of the past 2+ years of writing this blog, I have often prayed to know when it would be time to stop.  Because I have other things to do.  I have to get a whole new yard producing food for us.  You know that's going to take time.  I have my first grandchild coming in three months.  I have to start exercising again.  I've gained 20 lbs since starting this blog, 20 lbs that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have if I hadn't quit exercising in order to have the time to write.  

With all of the crazy events since the start of this year, I think the time is coming to cease blogging daily.  I don't know if it's because the internet is going to go away or become more heavily censored or regulated.  I'm still trying to listen and figure out exactly what I am to do.  There are still 50 articles in the queue, but honestly, a lot of them are there because I don't like them.  I keep kicking them down the road, not sure exactly what to do with them.  Because quite a few of the articles that I haven't liked have actually been some of the most widely read.  

I still have so much more to learn and to write down, for my children if for no one else.  But I think this might be the beginning of the end.  I feel like I've got to get other things going now.  I'm going to try not to get down on myself for not having a new article to post every day.  I might start posting re-runs during the week instead of just on Sundays.  I'm not going to worry about having strictly medical-type articles on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and food stuff on Fridays and Saturdays.  We get what we get.  I really want to get the herbal medicine information in book format and better documented.  

It just feels like time is getting short.  I hope I'm wrong, and I hope the feeling passes.